Wednesday, June 24, 2015

How to assemble a BBQ: A beginner’s guide

  1. Begin with a level of confidence that is entirely unwarranted.
  2. Open box, unpack pieces and ensure they are strewn about in no particular order. Place parts a sufficient distance away so that when you are delicately holding parts together and need the next piece, you have to contort yourself uncomfortably to get it.
  3. Place hardware, in its flimsy plastic case, on an uneven surface. This guarantees the contents will spill and you will be left scouring the floor for its tiny contents.
  4. Read the first step of instructions several times, trying to match the pieces in the diagram with those in front of you. Turn pieces around in your hands, looking at them from all angles. Repeat for every subsequent step.
  5. Express relief aloud that the bolts, washers and nuts for this BBQ only come in one size.
  6. After affixing the first few bolts, washers and nuts, realize you were mistaken about #5, and you simply didn’t read the diagram carefully enough to see that bolts, washers and nuts come in two sizes. Carry on.
  7. Try to use the “wrench” that came with the BBQ to tighten the nuts as instructed. Throw said “wrench” aside in disgust. If you feel so inclined, go and get a real wrench. If not, assure yourself it’s not that important.
  8. Struggle through assembly, doing with two hands what clearly requires four.
  9. Curse and sigh at regular intervals.
  10. Persevere until assembly is complete. Tell yourself your confidence in your BBQ assembly abilities was entirely well placed.

1 comment:

  1. Yay you - for the bbq and for writing! M